Essential cause of domestic (and other) violence.
‘Old’ anger largely constitutes, and when expressed derives from, the existential reservoir mentioned above. Most people unconsciously project this anger onto their partners when their partner does or says something that touches on this reservoir or its forgotten origin. Such overreactions are generally unjustified by whatever their partner did or said. Further, this anger is still felt days or weeks after it was so stirred up. This is how we know it is ‘old’ anger from childhood that needs to be dealt with, or it will continue to blight our lives (and those of our children) indefinitely, including via manifold psycho-somatic diseases.
‘New’ anger, by contrast, is generally a justified response to a contemporary threat or insult, and is ephemeral: very little remains after its expression.
An intellectual understanding of the above is an essential step in the right direction, but when one is in the grip of old anger (and higher brain functions are inhibited) it can be very difficult to step outside of it and see it for what it is. This is a major personal challenge, and it has been since ancient times.
In relationships, when one person can no longer find any fault in their partner, they have made significant progress in sorting themselves out.
Why do most people maintain their repressions and so avoid getting to grips with this major issue? Because it involves that infantile fear of death previously mentioned. There is an apocryphal story of a Greek Hero and a cave. Many entered this cave and emerged insane; finally one Hero emerged unscathed. In the cave was a mirror in which an individual psyche was perfectly reflected: the Hero was the only one whose heart was pure (i.e., he had little or no repressed psychic pain and associated fear within).
No-one can deal with their incomplete and unhealed self all at once: it needs to be done incrementally, and with moral support. Talking cures such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and ‘anger management’ do not do it because they focus on present time rather than dealing once and for all with the past trauma that underlies current problems. The latter ‘remedy’ temporarily reinforces existing repression, and is now widely commercialised! This is immoral and unethical.
An infantile fear of death remains in the adult psyche with the same emotional charge it had when formed, as with all unresolved childhood trauma. This is why most are afraid to face themselves. Perhaps this unconscious fear also underlies escapes into literary fantasy, or a focus on football etc. to a fanatic extent: arguably these are psycho-social displacement activities.
However; the adult mind is more developed, and well able to deal with such fear. The worst that can happen when the floodgate is opened is a flood of tears, or vomiting into a bucket that which one was symbolically forced to swallow in childhood. Followed by a feeling of considerable relief. This is well known to those FEW who have engaged in intensive personal development workshops, but remains unknown to most clinical psychologists and academics who have not so engaged. Such professional and societal ignorance needs to change: but this seems highly unlikely in what amounts to a contemporary conspiracy of silence. Denial rules!
Remedies.
- We all need to admit to the essence of this problem, the bane of our society. This means admitting that we ourselves are not perfect, in the knowledge that perfection is not required.
- There is an argument that couples about to enter a relationship should get informed counselling, or receive therapy, beforehand.
- Government funding needs to be diverted from fundamentally ineffective remedies (e.g., ‘anger management’; conscious attitude change, CBT), and instead be put into intensive therapeutic workshops e.g., the ‘Crossroads’ courses run by Canberra Lifeskills years ago.
- Another option is SK, which identifies and resolves specific trauma by communicating with the unconscious mind, or with that cellular/bodily memory denied by medical science yet experienced directly by many, including the author.
David Collier B.Sc. Biology; B.Sc. Psychology; B.A. Sustainability; Golden Key International Honour Society; Dip.Clin.Hyp.; sometime M.IASK; C.S.I.R.O. alumnus, UC alumnus.
Retired bureaucrat and psychotherapist